I don’t get it
Maybe he was hot as Legolas, but did Orlando Bloom really deserve to be the biggest breakout star out of Lord of the Rings? I mean jeez, strip him of his long blond wig and elvish elan and you’re left with a scrawny, scruffy man-boy who wilts onscreen and projects nothing so much as bewilderment, helplesness and vacuity. No cocksure swaggering charm here; even his voice is wispy. When Menelaus roars, “You left me for this???” to Helen, you have to agree.
Legolas gets the A-list directors and big-budget movies. In the meantime, King Aragorn gets this dud, the divine Boromir is back to playing bad guys in crappy movies, Frodo is playing creeps and psychopaths, and the honorable, heart-breaking Samwise Gamgee is 4th-billed as Drew Barrymore’s lisping body-builder younger brother in an amnesia comedy. Ok so it was a funny movie and he was great in it, but still…
When you think “big movie star,” you think in terms of box office figures: which name is attached to the biggest box office numbers, which actor draws them in? You might think Tom Hanks (average US gross $99.8m), Tom Cruise ($101.5m), Jim Carrey ($106m), Will Smith ($120.2m). But Misters Hanks, Cruise, Carrey and Smith only rank numbers 16, 15, 14 and 10 respectively in the list of actors’ average movie grosses. Orlando Bloom is a lofty number 4 ($217.1m), trailing only the three Harry Potter kids who, you know, are never again going to be in anything nearly as big as the Potter movies — except maybe Emma Watson who is just gorgeous and kicks ass onscreen.
Now these numbers are not to be read literally: just because an actor is in a big hit, doesn’t mean he’s the reason people go see it. To wit, check out the numbers on this craptasia. The director’s pissed off but methinks his pissed-offedness is misdirected. Orlando Bloom shoots arrows while bantering playfully with a dwarf, mister, he’s a secondary character who provides comic relief. He doesn’t lead an army of crusaders into the promised land. If you didn’t see that while shooting the movie, you deserve what you get.
I think that Orlando will get his comeuppance really soon. Maybe as soon as this weekend when this movie tanks. And tanking alongside him will be his female counterpart, the pretty and spiritless Ms Knightly who, for crying out loud, does not have the weight — emotional or physical — to play a rich spoiled brat lesbian model turned bounty hunter. Her, I don’t get either.
[…] Jeez. I can’t believe how much money this movie’s made. It’s a movie based on a freaking Disney ride. That’s not right. Didn’t like the first one much. And it’s got two actors I don’t much care for. Yeah but whatever. Mickey wants to see it. Guess there are worse ways to spend a Sunday afternoon. Maybe it’ll be funny. Johnny Depp’s pretty funny. So I’ll take that. […]
Yes, I think Orlando Bloom deserved to be the big hit of Lord of the Rings. You say that without the wig, thights etc…he is nothing but a scratchy and scrony man-boy. But I think that’s the whole point. He is an actor and with his wig and all that. He is simply one Sexy Elf! Sorry, but it’s all true. He is a wonderful actor and he portrayed the Legolas Elf very, very well. So Boooo to you! and a big applause to Orlando!
Aw, thanks for popping in, Judith. It’s diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks and some people will like Orlando, and some people won’t. It’s my blog and I’ll say what I think. Anyway nothing I say will affect Mr. Bloom’s career or tarnish his stardom, so you shouldn’t take it personally. I’ll stand by what I said - he is not leading-man material.