Photos to follow
Grumpus and I took an ill-timed holiday in Boracay last week. Yes, in the middle of typhoons Chedeng and Dodong. Had it not been storming, apparently, it’s still Habagat and therefore windy and wet. What’s a couple to do when the pretty is gone and all the beach front resorts shielded from the wind by sandbags and wind harnesses? When the skies are grey and sodden and there’s nary a peep of sunshine to get a tan by? Turn to conversation and flights of fancy, is the answer. In this spirit, and inspired by the surroundings, we came up with plot outlines for not one, but four novels or movies about the island. Here goes:
Boracay, the Island of Magic. A coming-of-age story narrated by an island boy about a cabal of magicians that runs the island. The real reason Boracay’s sands are so white and the weather - mostly - so perfect. Benign magic mostly wins the day, except during the very short off-season when the malign magicians temporarily get the upper hand. Harry Potter on a tropical island, with tanning oil and swimming costumes instead of wizard robes. For those looking for a dose of eastern philosophy, this is not a linear narrative about the ultimate victory of good over evil, but about the cycles of life, the changing of the seasons, and other dippy things like that.
Boracay 2, Revenge of the Askals. A zombie movie centering around the island’s stray dogs and their pernicious droppings. 28 Days Later with dogs instead of monkeys. Watch what you step on!
Boracay 3, The Return of the Fat Man. A murder mystery in PD James style. The calm idyll of the island is broken when a returning German tourist in tight white speedos is found brutally slain in a local watering hole. In an attempt to discover the truth, taciturn island detective Pandoy Bordadora shakes off his island-induced lethargy and begins an investigation that will make his reputation and spawn many sequels. His investigation exposes the seamy underbelly of paradise, the truth behind those dancing girls, and what really goes into your rum Coke.
Boracay 4, The Sinking of Boracay. The Day After Tomorrow meets Jurassic Park, with crappy special effects. Al Gore visits the island to deliver a lecture on the imminent ecological disaster that is Boracay. Fire-breathing mutant dinosaurs sprout out of the landfill in Station 7, devour him, his party and his private jet, set the island on fire, and then sink it with a few well-placed jumps.